if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
