Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
