I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
