Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
