I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
