guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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