I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
