How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
