I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
