I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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