just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
