Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
