My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
