My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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