It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
