Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
