I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
50% drunk capacity currently
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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