i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
