I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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