You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i drank out of a bidet.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have already put on my inside pants.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
