My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
