apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
