My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
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