I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
