hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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