In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
