# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
