i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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