I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
