Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
