covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Less talking, more tequila
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
