he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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