I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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