the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
