so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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