you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
