The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
