wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
