Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
