We got so high we made milksteak
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
