That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
