He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
