If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
