The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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