you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
