I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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