in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
