I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize