Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
