textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Randomize
