There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We have so much sex to catch up on
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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