ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
