Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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