dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
