I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
