you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
