literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
