rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize