Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize