I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
